nadatodo

The mirrors of me

My mom, Helen Koutalianos, suddenly passed on December 31, 2023.

It was her wish to write three books. One on her mother. A second on her father and the mystery surrounding his life and first (secret to us) family. And a third on her life. In her honour, I will write these books. A trilogy series I’m calling The mirrors of me. In them I will capture the life and times of my maternal grandmother Evangeline Balakas (née Hatzikanelou (Canellos)), my mother Helen Koutalianos (née Balakas) and me. And explore the intergenerational trauma across our female lineage and what needs healing.

About this project

I will follow the journey of Evangeline from her birth in 1915 and fleeing from Turkish-occupied Izmir, immigration from Crete to Canada, and raising three kids alone to her passing in Toronto in 2000. I will visit Thunder Bay, Toronto, Athens, Edmonton and Vancouver—the life path of my first generation Canadian mother. I will explore northern Greece and Melbourne, Australia, and make sense of the mystery around my maternal grandfather, his missing 20 years outside of Greece and his secret first family. And account for my own history—a Greek-Canadian woman who never felt a sense of home inside or out—and how these women and their lives lived/unlived have touched me.

Often history is narrated by the bold and men. And so often, the stories of the less-loud and women remain whispers. Unheard. Untold. Not captured. And in time, forgotten. Racism, colonialism, war, genocide, immigration, physical/verbal abuse, adultery, miscarriage, poverty, indecency—these are the tales untold that reverberate across my family lines, that have influenced my female lineage and bleed into the fabric of my life. Patterns of doubt, loneliness, insecurity, abandonment of self; never uttered but passed along from one generation to the next.

As such, this series isn’t merely a factual recounting of what happened. It’s a narrative/exploration of what didn’t; the space and silence between memory. How can we know anyone when truths are swallowed and emotions repressed? What legacy do these quiet moments bear, if any, in the telling and retelling of our collective tales? And can oral storytelling allow us to heal what our ancestors weren’t able to or couldn’t feel in their lives and times?

Through this lens, these books are records of historical importance that speak to our country’s beginning. The Canadian immigrant experience. Cultural and existential accounts from the eyes of a refugee, a newcomer, a widow. The lives of women. The emotional time capsule of those who survived hardships of famine and loss; who had to leave home and settle on new lands; who raised children in silence and passed along their gifts and sorrows to their children, who passed them along to theirs. These are the tales of our migrated patterns. Then and now, they are the roots to my ancestral trauma—shared across borders, cultures and family lines—that I will see, name and let go. 

There is a deep urgency to do this work now. My family is spread across three continents and the knowledge keepers are aging. My mom’s sister Anastasia in Toronto is in her early 70s; she knows who’s who, and is the bridge and connector to my grandmother, my mom’s childhood and our family beginnings in Greece (Crete/Florina), Turkey (Izmir) and later Canada. My family in Melbourne—cousins in their early 90s—are my link to my maternal grandfather, his abandoned family and his upbringing in Florina, Greece. While my 80-year-old father is the memory bank when it comes to my mother—how they met, their time in Toronto, Edmonton and Vancouver, and their travels to Turkey and Australia to connect with our ancestral land and half family.

This project is more than a personal exploration. It’s a universal tale of culture and immigration, the legacy of intergenerational trauma and a depiction of women on the move—whether they’re fleeing war, financial hardship or seeking a home within. It’s the story of those who came before us, who sought refuge and safety in Canada, and whose kids carry a hyphenated, fractured and in-between identity.

Project funding + overview

On March 14, 2024, I applied for a $25,000 Canada Council for the Arts research and creation grant. This money will help me cover the expense of travelling to Turkey, Greece, Australia and across Canada over a year period (April 2024-April 2025), so I can visit my relatives, family landmarks and conduct archival research. It will also allow me to read up on the history around the Turkish-Greek occupation and US/Australian/Canadian/Greek immigration—topics that touched the lives of my grandmother and mother.

By April 2025, I will complete a detailed chapter summary for my three-book series which I will later use to secure a writing residency/publishing contract.

Budget + fundraising

Updated: The grant amount doesn’t cover the total project costs which I’ve estimated at $44,199 for the year (see final budget). I contributed $5000 of in-kind services towards the project and am looking to fundraise an additional $10,549 by May 31, 2024. While I submitted $15,000 as a flat rate for my compensation, this does not reflect the actual cost to do this work. Historical/archival research at 30 hours/week over a year’s time is valued at $72,000 (based on $50/hour rate); with writing services charged in the $100-150/hour range. The funds I’m seeking are more of an honorarium than a reflection of an industry standard; also additional funding sources like fundraising efforts are well viewed by the Council as it doesn’t want to be the sole funder on a project.

And so I’m reaching out to my community for support. A high five, words of encouragement or any financial contribution is welcome and appreciated. The first 10 donors who contribute $200+ will receive a copy of the cookbook mom and I wrote in 2010. (Send me your address and I’ll mail your copy in April/May.)

AS OF MARCH 14, I’VE RAISED $2335.70 (22%) OF UPDATED $10,549 GOAL. THANK YOU!

How to donate

I thank you in advance for your support in spirit or otherwise. If you have any questions or want to know more about the book/project, let me know. The fundraiser deadline has been extended! Donations will be accepted until midnight May 31, 2024 and can be sent via: e-transfer to info@nadatodo.com, credit card (I’ll have to manually enter the card number using my Square app) or cheque mailed to:

Anastasia Koutalianos

6-810 Commercial Diversion North

Vancouver, BC V5L 3Y5

International donors can email me directly at info@nadatodo.com should you need other transfer options. Thanks!

Much love,

Stasia

Additional information

Note: All donors will be named/acknowledged in the published books regardless of donation amount. Should I not get the grant, these contributions will still go toward the project and I’ll apply for other funding to make up the difference. Anything beyond my fundraising goal will go towards my artistic fee and phase two of this project—writing a pitch for publishers and sample chapters/draft for the first book. (Note: I can apply for this same grant two years in a row, and will do so in 2025 to complete phase two; I’m also applying for a writing residency in the same year.)

Project timeline

The $25,000 grant will cover expenses to travel and conduct historical research, stakeholder and family engagement/interviews, and to assist me in reading, researching and writing over a one-year period—April 2024 to April 2025:

April 2024

• Interview relatives; record oral histories; trace and fully document family tree
• Identify and engage with family members in Canada, Greece and Australia
• Secondary source reading material/experts on Turkish-Greek occupation and US/Canadian/Australian/Greek immigration and migration

May 2024

• Engage with Canadian/Greek/Australian family; sign release forms; record oral histories (Zoom or calls) (ongoing)
• Identify locations/persons of interest to visit across Canada; organize travel dates

June-July 2024

• Road trip from Vancouver-Toronto-Vancouver over 6-8 weeks
• Toronto: Meet with family, record oral histories; visit houses where my grandmother/mother lived (Toronto/Etobicoke), Mount Pleasant and other cemeteries; conduct research at City of Toronto Archives and Archives of Ontario
• Ottawa: Visit Library and Archives Canada, re: immigration history/records
• New York: Visit Ellis Island (grandmother’s port of arrival); review US records at National Archives at New York City and New York State Archives (grandfather; as needed)
• Sault Ste. Marie: Meet with family, record oral histories; retrace grandmother’s arrival to Canada; visit archives at Sault Ste. Marie Museum and Sault Ste. Marie Public Library
• Thunder Bay: Meet with family, record oral histories; visit houses where my grandmother/mother lived, hospital, cemetery; conduct research at City of Thunder Bay city archives, Thunder Bay Museum and Thunder Bay Courthouse
• North Battleford: Visit family (grandmother’s brothers), record oral histories; conduct research at the City of North Battleford historic archives
• Edmonton: Visit house where my family lived, Misericordia Hospital (where I was born)

August 2024

• Read, research, gather notes on findings during Canada trip; write notes/summary
• Identify locations/persons of interest to visit in Turkey; secure interpreter for trip; organize travel dates

September-October 2024

• Travel from Vancouver to Turkey/Greece over 6-8 weeks
• Izmir/Parsa: Visit grandmother’s birthplace, mill/old house location (great grandfather-owned), cemetery, archives/museum—Izmir National Library, Ahmet Piristina Kent Arsivi ve Muzesi (museum); learn about Turkish-Greek occupation and speak to experts at Izmir University of Economics
• Crete: Visit grandmother’s hometown of Heraklion, archives—Vikelaia Municipal Library, Archive of the Municipality of Heraklion; learn about Greek refugee migration
• Athens/Piraeus: Visit port of departure (boat travel to Canada); visit archives/museums—General State Archives of Greece, Centre for Asia Minor Studies, municipal archives, local vital record offices
• Florina: Visit birthplace of my grandfather, meet his/mom’s step brothers’ family; and record oral histories; visit cemetery and Archives of Florina; learn about Greek migration/Macedonian-Greek relations
• Piraeus-NYC: Travel by passenger cargo, if feasible, to replicate grandmother’s boat travel to Canada

November 2024

• Read, research, gather notes on findings during Europe trip; write notes/summary
• Identify locations/persons of interest to visit for Australia trip; organize travel dates

December 2024

• Travel from Vancouver to Australia over 4 weeks
• Melbourne: Meet family, record oral histories; visit cemeteries; visit archives/museums (immigration)—National Archives, Archives and Special Collections at the University of Melbourne, The Foundation for Hellenic Studies

January-February 2025

• Read, research, gather notes on findings during Australia trip; write
• Transcribe oral recordings

March-April 2025

• Write detailed chapter summary for three-book series