nadatodo

The mirrors of me

My mom, Helen Koutalianos, suddenly passed on December 31, 2023.

It was her wish to write three books. One on her mother. A second on her father and the mystery surrounding his life and first (secret to us) family. And a third on her life. In her honour, I will write these books. A trilogy series I’m calling The mirrors of me. In them I will capture the life and times of my maternal grandmother Evangeline Balakas (née Hatzikanelou (Canellos)), my mother Helen Koutalianos (née Balakas) and me. And explore the intergenerational trauma across our female lineage and what needs healing.

About this project

I will follow the journey of Evangeline from her birth in 1915 and fleeing from Turkish-occupied Izmir, immigration from Crete to Canada, and raising three kids alone to her passing in Toronto in 2000. I will visit Thunder Bay, Toronto, Athens, Edmonton and Vancouver—the life path of my first generation Canadian mother. I will explore northern Greece and Melbourne, Australia, and make sense of the mystery around my maternal grandfather, his missing 20 years outside of Greece and his secret first family. And account for my own history—a Greek-Canadian woman who never felt a sense of home inside or out—and how these women and their lives lived/unlived have touched me.

Often history is narrated by the bold and men. And so often, the stories of the less-loud and women remain whispers. Unheard. Untold. Not captured. And in time, forgotten. Racism, colonialism, war, genocide, immigration, physical/verbal abuse, adultery, miscarriage, poverty, indecency—these are the tales untold that reverberate across my family lines, that have influenced my female lineage and bleed into the fabric of my life. Patterns of doubt, loneliness, insecurity, abandonment of self; never uttered but passed along from one generation to the next.

As such, this series isn’t merely a factual recounting of what happened. It’s a narrative/exploration of what didn’t; the space and silence between memory. How can we know anyone when truths are swallowed and emotions repressed? What legacy do these quiet moments bear, if any, in the telling and retelling of our collective tales? And can oral storytelling allow us to heal what our ancestors weren’t able to or couldn’t feel in their lives and times?

Through this lens, these books are records of historical importance that speak to our country’s beginning. The Canadian immigrant experience. Cultural and existential accounts from the eyes of a refugee, a newcomer, a widow. The lives of women. The emotional time capsule of those who survived hardships of famine and loss; who had to leave home and settle on new lands; who raised children in silence and passed along their gifts and sorrows to their children, who passed them along to theirs. These are the tales of our migrated patterns. Then and now, they are the roots to my ancestral trauma—shared across borders, cultures and family lines—that I will see, name and let go. 

There is a deep urgency to do this work now. My family is spread across three continents and the knowledge keepers are aging. My mom’s sister Anastasia in Toronto is in her early 70s; she knows who’s who, and is the bridge and connector to my grandmother, my mom’s childhood and our family beginnings in Greece (Crete/Florina), Turkey (Izmir) and later Canada. My family in Melbourne—cousins in their early 90s—are my link to my maternal grandfather, his abandoned family and his upbringing in Florina, Greece. While my 80-year-old father is the memory bank when it comes to my mother—how they met, their time in Toronto, Edmonton and Vancouver, and their travels to Turkey and Australia to connect with our ancestral land and half family.

This project is more than a personal exploration. It’s a universal tale of culture and immigration, the legacy of intergenerational trauma and a depiction of women on the move—whether they’re fleeing war, financial hardship or seeking a home within. It’s the story of those who came before us, who sought refuge and safety in Canada, and whose kids carry a hyphenated, fractured and in-between identity.

Project funding + overview

On March 14, 2024, I applied for a $25,000 Canada Council for the Arts research and creation grant. This money will help me cover the expense of travelling to Turkey, Greece, Australia and across Canada over a year period (2024-2025), so I can visit my relatives, family landmarks and conduct archival research. It will also allow me to read up on the history around the Turkish-Greek occupation and US/Australian/Canadian/Greek immigration—topics that touched the lives of my grandmother and mother.

By July 2025, I will complete a detailed chapter summary for my three-book series which I will later use to secure a writing residency/publishing contract.